I hate these times. And lately it's been one of the worst couple of weeks I've experienced in a long time. There have been no major problems. No huge crises of earthshaking (my little corner of it anyway) magnitude or life altering events. The battle has been emotional, mental and spiritual. With my husband out of commission due to foot surgery, my responsibilities have multiplied while my time of course seems to have dwindled. And so, when the little things start going wrong, they throw me off completely, and meltdown ensues. And then another meltdown, and another. Like I said, it's been a rough week or so.
The biggest thing is I felt like I was making progress in my walk with the Lord. I felt like I was getting closer to God, and I was loving it. And then.....things just piled up, I was exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed--and all this added up to completely derailing my faith and any progress I made. I refused to believe God for anything. My heart felt and to some degree still does feel like a stone--hardened and unmoving---this all leads me to feel like a fraud and a failure. I was heartbroken. I love God. But I felt so very lost from Him. I went down the spiraling rabbit hole of whys. Why should He do anything for me? I don't deserve anything good from Him anyway. Why doesn't He love me? Well, look at the way I act and treat Him. Why can't I seem to make progress, to grow as a Christian? Because you are never good enough and God won't help someone like you. Why doesn't He care enough to help me? Because He is not good or kind. On and on and on it went. Of course the devil was there to supply all the negative and sarcastic answers that I needed to prolong this "split" between me and my heavenly Father.
And so my heart remains today, wary and unsure. I'm not sure how to pick up the pieces of my relationship with the Lord. But all through this, all during the storm in my heart, Jesus reaches out to me. I see it, I hear it, and I even feel it. I'm just so afraid to choose to believe. Believing hurts when we don't see the answers or help we want. It brings disappointment and disillusionment and pain. I know I am to leave the answers and ways up to God. My head knows it anyway. He is so much smarter and wiser than I am. But my heart cries for relief. My soul begs for peace and release.
I am going to make a list here of all the ways the Lord reached out to me through all of this. I talk of God visits, and looking for the ways, both small and large that our Savior reaches out to us and I saw His hand of love and care through this....to be honest I really don't think I was looking, I just wanted to stay mad. Maybe this list will help me more than anyone...but I do hope that something in it will speak to someone else's heart as well. I know I am not the only one struggling today.
1) As soon as I turned the radio on in the car, a speaker for Proverbs 31 ministry said, "I see you, I know you, I care."
2) For I am about to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for My people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert! Isaiah 43:19
3) Song: Casting Crowns, "Who Am I"
4) I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until you hair i white with age. I made you, I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. Isaiah 46:4 These two verses came from a prayer book I am writing in right now.
5) After another round of "I'm not worthy of God's love or help. I'm so unrighteous and sinful (I had just finished reading Psalm 18 where David calls God His strength, rock, rescuer....all those good things, and then goes on to say things like "He led me to a place of safety because He delights in me. The Lord rewarded me for doing right; He restored my because of my innocence." (verses19-20) So this led to all the thoughts of "well of course God doesn't help you, you are not delightful to Him. And you certainly don't do what's right." LOL Oh my the mind and the devil played overtime with this one. So I walked out of my house, heavy-hearted and guilt laden only to turn on the radio and hear the last few stanzas of King and Country's "Priceless" The words go, " We can start again. I see you dressed in white, every wrong made right. I see a rose in bloom, at the sight of you...Oh so priceless." I guess God was trying to tell me He sees me in a whole different way than I do or than I deserve. Because of Jesus of course!!
6) At the top of my notes from Sunday service I wrote "bad week. melt down. fraud. hopeless. Why am I here? Unbelieving. Not able. Tired. Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless. I really did not want to be in church. I didn't see the point. Nothing changes, right? But I went, more on auto pilot than anything else. And what was the sermon on?? Repentance. Repent. Humble myself. Seek God. Pray. I needed and still do need to repent of my unbelief.
7) Over the last week, I have felt, ever so lightly, like arms were wrapping around me. A great comfort came from those arms. I can only attribute this the Jesus.
I'm still struggling. And I know this was all a test which I failed miserably. I hope my failure can help someone else. After blogging on believing and all, it was only natural that I should be tested. I wish I could have come back here with a more positive testimony. But I have a feeling this was the right testimony. It's the one people need to hear. Even through the wretchedness, the stubborn, stiff-necked heartedness (I know those aren't real words ! LOL), my Father loved on me. He ministered to me and reached out to me. And He does to all of you as well. It is such a comfort to know and see this.
My only prayer today is to say Thank You. And please help others during their struggles as well.
I will include the songs in separate entries. Take the time to listen today and let them minister to you.
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