Meltdown

One thing after the other.  One expense added on top of another.  What I think are blessings, turn into not so much.  And so, the downward spiral begins.  What's wrong with me?  God are you mad at me?  God do you hate me?  Am I being punished, living out the consequences of poor choices, never to escape them?  I must be doing everything wrong, because it feels like everything goes wrong. Why God why?  Where are You?  Do You care?  Do You see?

That was the story the last couple of weeks, and it hit the pinnacle on Sunday night when the a/c decided it didn't want to work, much like many other items that take up their existence in my life.  Couple that with an especially trying period at work, and my failure to cope with that...and you can see where all this is headed.  On the positive side, I did come out of this tailspin much more quickly than previous ones so I believe that is progress and I am thankful for that.

So I got up yesterday after a night of very little sleep, still hurting, still discouraged and distraught.  My mind raced all night, oppression and hopelessness having a field day in there as I tried to get some much needed zzzzzzzs.  Oh, and remember that little thing about the a/c....well it was also very muggy and warm, not conducive to a good nights sleep at all.

But something happened as the morning progressed, and the day moved on...I started to trust more.  I started to just rest in God.  I was feeling a bit better but still unsure.  I get into my car, still needed to be reassured of God's love and of course turn once again, this loving Father of ours knew exactly the right song to put on at exactly that time.  He has used "More" in the past, usually when I am at a extremely low point and this time was no exception.

It gets better though.  On my breaks and lunch I have been working on a couple of little devotions given out on Mother's Day by my church.  And today's theme was "Promises."  The question was:  "Which three promises from my Savior mean most to me?  How do they make my life much more abundant than it would be otherwise?"  This question forced me to focus on God's promises to me.  Ones that He gave me over the years personally.  I needed a reminder.  BIG TIME !!!

Now, I kind of think that the promises that mean the most can be fluid.  What I am saying is, that depending on what one is going through, what circumstances and trials are abounding in one's life, will dictate what promise means the most at that time.  So as I looked through my index cards written over the years, and 3 stood out for me.

Hebrews 10:21-23  And since we have a Great High Priest who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God, with sincere hearts, fully trusting Him.  For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.  Let us hold tightly without wavering, to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

BAM!  Knock out the guilt and self condemnation.  It's not about me.  It's about Jesus!  It's not about what I did, or do, but about His promise of purification and that I can come right into His presence and be welcomed.  God wants me around!

Jeremiah 1:4-5  The Lord said to me, "I knew you before you were formed within your Mother's womb; before you were born I sanctified you as my spokesman to the world.  

YEAH!!  God knew me, knew all about me, and still calls me sanctified, still has a plan to use me for His purposes.  It's God Himself that does the knowing, the calling, the sanctifying and the planning.

Colossians 1:22-23a  But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation--if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the Gospel.  

BELIEVE!!!  I am reconciled, I am holy and blemish free.  The accusations that come into my mind, are to fall flat, to be rejected outright.  I must hold fast to the promises and the work of Christ.  Seeing a pattern here....it's about JESUS

God is not rejecting me.   And this is about Him, not about me.  Something He told me a couple of years ago, that really touched me, that was a revelation to my very soul was that when He said "This is my beloved Son, in Him I am well pleased",  He was seeing me as well.  God loves me.  He is not against me.  He is not out to get me.  Satan's attempts to come between us by orchestrating the circumstances in my life need to be put in perspective and not seen as some sort of penalty for being human.  Oh Lord, why is this so hard to remember, why is it so hard to believe.

Lord, help me.  I need to stand firm in my faith.  To trust You, even when my life seems a mess, and everything is going wrong.  You are faithful.  You are loving.  I may not understand.  It may hurt.  But help me to trust and believe.  It's so hard when things are not working.  Remind me again and again of Your love.  And thank you, that it didn't take me a week of moping before I got to this place of trust and rest.  You are faithful.  And I am growing because of You.