More tattling today. But we are going a little bit deeper. I'm going to dig around an area of my heart that I don't really want to expose, or even look at to closely. But God says to do it, so here it goes. Dreams. Aspirations. Goals. I hate all those words. They fill me with dread, regret, sadness, discontent and disappointment. We all have had dreams in our lives that have gone unfulfilled, unrealized. I look back an see none of the dreams of my childhood have come to pass....through addiction, circumstances, and pure laziness I haven't followed or made any of them come true. And therefore the reason I don't look in this area too often, nor do I set too many goals for the future. I call myself content to take it a day at a time, just trying to be the person God made me to be. Dreaming is scary for me. Goal setting, terrifying.
For whatever reason, this was close to my heart's surface a few days ago, and I was feeling the pain, blaming God and just miserable over all of it. Well, step in to this picture another daily devotional reading entitled "Shattered Dreams." LOL Is God on track, AGAIN. Julie Rayburn, who is the author of this devotional book called "Be Still and Know - 365 Days of Encouragement for Women," spoke of how many times life does not turn out the way we envisioned or dreamed. The sentences that touched me deeply were, "We have a choice. We can continue to hold on tightly to our dreams, allowing our hands to become clenched fists raised in anger to God. Bitterness is the end result. Or we can open our hands and give God our shattered dreams."
Wow, what powerful statements. In reading these lines, I realized that was exactly what I was doing. Holding on the things of the past, dreams, desires. I was clenching them tightly in my hands and not allowing God to fill them with anything else. I held on to the disappointment, kept anger wrapped around this dark area of my heart, blaming God, and then wondering why I deal with so much anger on a daily basis.
I have to work on letting this stuff go. I know it means, almost in a sense, survival for me. I'm not all that sure how to go about it. If I look at the whole heart issue honestly, I can see I've let it fester a long, long time....it's become part of me. I believe that the reason this came to the surface, and the perfect timing of this reading is because God wants to heal this part of my heart.
Yes, things didn't turn out like I wanted. But that doesn't mean they can't be good. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect if I let this go. But I really want to be healed! I don't want to live with bitterness or disappointment buried, hidden away in some dark corner of my heart. I realize it colors and taints everything in life, even if it's not obvious on the surface.
This has been a tough visit. I am hoping that through my willingness to tattle on myself here, even though it's some ugly stuff, you will be helped as well. And together, we can work through this with our loving heavenly Father. He desires us to be free from regret, disappointment and discontent. Life may not have turned out the way we planned, but none of it is a surprise to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Lord, help us to let go of our plans, the things we thought should happen that didn't, dreams that have been shattered and scattered....help us to let go of the anger and disappointment that comes with disillusionment. Lord, fill us with Your plans, Your aspirations for us. And then help us to walk with You to fulfill Your good plan for our lives. It's okay if things didn't turn out as we hoped, for You are our living hope. In You we always have just what we need. Lord, it's hard. It's scary. It hurts. But You are with us, bigger than even the greatest disappointment. Lord, I know I'm not sure how to go about this....but with You I can. Thank You for this word in due season. It's time to move forward. And as always, to You be the glory. In Jesus mighty, and loving Name, amen.
Perhaps it's time to have a sit down with God. Talk to Him about dreams, the past, the future...
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