Hunger

Last week was a rough week at work.  Remember how I was talking about the little irritations, well it continued on for the next few days....and I cannot go for long riding on that bumpy road before I fall off the edge of a cliff!!  And fall I did.  I went slightly ballistic at work.  My temper got the better of me.  I hate unfairness, and I hate inefficiency. So couple them together and mix in tiredness and a general down mood....well it's a recipe for nothing good to say the least.  And nothing good came out of my mouth that day.

I want so badly to be a good witness for the Lord.  To live a life of peace and love and just shining His light to those around me. I want others to be drawn to Him.  I get so frustrated because I fall so short, so often, of this ideal. This last time, I became so disappointed in myself, so discouraged of ever changing....still am to a certain extent, almost like giving up....but still holding on, if that makes sense.  I hold to the Lord, yet have pretty much given up on myself, and maybe that's where I'm supposed to be...I don't know.  But through all of this, the Lord remains faithful.  And I am forever grateful for that.

As I mulled this over the next day, my failure, my hopelessness I looked at my phone where I have an app that gives the verse of the day.  LOL...God is so good, as always.  Matthew 5:6  Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled.  That is what my loving heavenly Father sent to me.  A promise.

I went to do my devotional for the day and the sentence :Look to me continually for help, comfort and companionship." stuck out to me.  I spoke to the Lord, "Where is this?  Why do I so often stand outside your arms of comfort?  Why do I feel, as usual, like an outsider looking in on this Christian life of Your love and peace?   But then I realized God did send His comfort and His answer in the verse of the day.  My God visit.  He also led me up to Matthew 5:4  God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  

I struggle with anger.  I struggle with my mouth.  But the Lord sees my heart.  And as I drove to church on Sunday knowing how much I want to honor Him and to shine for Him, I felt Him say to me...."This is the you I see."  He is not looking at the failure and the faults, the Christian who feels more like a hypocrite because they mess up most of the time.  He's looking at the child who wants to please Him.  And His love shone down on me.  What a beautiful series of God visits.

I honestly don't know if I will ever get better.  But I am going to trust and hold onto the promise given me....God will see it through.  I am not giving up, I am holding on.  Jesus is my hope and my salvation.

Lord, help.  I know I am not the only struggler here....and I pray for all of us,  those of us  for who this ideal of Christian life seems out of reach.  Lift us up Lord.  Thank You for standing by us.  Let us not forget that.  Let us not let go of You and please get our eyes off ourselves and our circumstances and focus them solely on the One who saves us.  You.  Thank You for Your comfort and care.