Darkness and Light

It's been a little bit of a while since I posted.  Between being away....out to the midwest--Iowa to be precise and being "away" in a dark place, I haven't made it to this place.  I feel like I've been living in the shadows, and the little light that's gotten through has only splashed the hard surface of my heart.  I guess with all the subsequent wakes following my Mom's have kind of put me in a depression, as I really don't have time to heal before I am reminded again of my loss.  But in spite of all that, God has been here.  Like I said, His light has splashed my heart, stony as it may be right now.  And I am grateful for that.

The biggest visit has been from my reading of "One Thousand Gifts."  In it God is teaching me that "thanks is what builds trust."  Since I feel the loss of my Mom so sharply, and I've been struggling coping with work, it is a visit I needed desperately.  So many things seem to be competing for "king of wrongness" in my life right now that trust and gratitude seem a million miles away.

Believing is a verb....belief an action.  If I look at all things with gratitude, I can trust.  It's as if gratitude opens the gates to the green pastures and still waters David mentions in the 23rd Psalm.  I cannot be fretting when I am thanking.  When I open the gate through thanksgiving, I can rest in those green pastures, beside the still waters, and I trust.  So God pointing this out to me once again, this need for thankfulness even in the dark, was His way of providing a small lighted path out the shadows.  And I am trying to follow.  I falter and stumble, sometimes even sit down and refuse to move forward, but eventually I get back up again and continue walking the road of trust.

Lord, You see the road before me.  You have gone before me.  Help me to find You on that road, and not to take my eyes off of You.   I feel so lost and angry most of the time these days, but I am thankful You are still here.  And I am thankful You are good.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd;
    I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3     He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever.