Unbelief.

The beginning of this week, for whatever reason I was feeling very agitated.  It was like all this anger was boiling up inside me and I had know idea where it was coming from.  Every little thing was playing on my very last nerve. Like nails on a chalk board I felt every little thing drove me crazy.  Work of course was the worst. That place can get to you even on a good day !!  Thankfully I did not slap anyone nor run them over with my riding jack!!  Yaaay me (and Yaaay God for holding me in check, LOL)

A dear sister in the Lord gave me a book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. And what a treasure-full little book it's turning out to be.  And I am only on the start of it !!

This book endeavors to get the reader thinking about all the things that are blessings and to "dare to live fully right where you are", by living a life of radical gratitude.  As I was reading, the author described ingratitude as and "ugly and self-destructive habit."  And that is an extremely apt description.

So I sat there, on my break, reading this book.  My insides felt hard as stone.  I couldn't feel the words of the book.  All was hard and angry.  I asked God what the heck was going on ?!?!?!  And immediately the answer came...UNBELIEF.  I had slipped back into my old familiar dwelling place of unbelief.  The words in Hebrews comes to mind; "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion."  (chpt 3:15)  My heart was becoming hard, ungratefulness was flourishing and anger was blooming because of unbelief.

What a powerful God visit.  Correction so very needed!  Repentance as vital to my spirit as water to my body.  And so thankful for it.  My soul quieted and peace invaded my heart.  I have to be so very careful.  Unbelief is so familiar and so comfortable a cage for me and I slip back behind the bars so very easily.  I have to guard against it diligently as life's difficulties and disappointments (some in and some out of my control) come at me (like everyone) constantly.

Sometimes I feel like there is this wall inside my heart.  It's like Jesus can't get behind this wall I have.  I want very much for the wall to come down, but it lingers year after year.   But in meditating on all this the Holy Spirit showed me that the wall is unbelief and the mortar between the bricks is ingratitude.  Over the last couple years the wall has been crumbling.  But I want it completely down and carted away!!  And that is exactly what is going to happen.  So here goes the sledgehammer of faith and thankfulness.

Lord, thank You so very much for correction.  Thank You for bringing me back to faith in You.  Keep my heart ever soft to Your touch.