Grieving

It's been a hard couple of weeks.  The grieving process has been taking it's toll. Between that and trying to take care of all the little things that life entails, plus all the details of wrapping up another's earthly life....it's been overwhelming and difficult.  I alternately go from weeping to completely numb and dead feeling. Sometimes I find myself unable to do anything at all.  I just sit there.  The feelings of lost-ness and disconnectedness, even in a roomful of people are disorienting and sad.  It's as if being part of the human race is too much for me.

At one point I was just frozen.  I sat down and just could no longer function. Making any more decisions, doing anymore tasks seemed beyond my ability.  I didn't go to work.  I just sat.  And then reality kicks back in and the hundred little jobs needing doing come rushing back into my head so I force myself up and start doing, again.

Now, I know I am supposed to be leaning on the Lord, drawing on His strength. But it's really just not that simple.  It's not some magic words or prayers to make that happen.  Consciously making that decision is part of it, but it still does not quell the feelings of depression, hopelessness, apathy and exhaustion.

But in all this God is still here.  Still visiting.  And I am grateful.  One day, as I was trying to accomplish those hundred little jobs (feeling of course completely overwhelmed by all of them), I was in my bedroom where I have one of those flip calendars, this one happens to be from In Touch Ministries.   That day's inspiration was this: " What should we do when anxiety strikes?  First and foremost, we must ask God to give us His peace and His truth.  Very specifically we must ask God to deal with the problems that are filling both our conscious and unconscious minds. This is not something we do just once.  It is something we may have to do many times throughout the day.  We must ask the Lord to help us focus all of our thoughts and energy on the immediate situation at hand."  Wow, did that speak directly to the heart of my situation.  Zeroed right in on it.  Like God just took an arrow and hit the perfect bullseye!   I may be grieving but He is still with me.  Focusing on that fact will bring peace.  And just putting my full attention into the task at hand instead of allowing my brain to fast-forward ahead to all the other things written on the to-do list in my head, will calm my mind and help me think clearly.

A couple of days later, as I was getting ready to leave for work I happened on my "God is Faithful" box and felt compelled to open it and take out one of the little cards.  It said, "God is bigger than any problem we face, stronger than any doubt we can imagine."  This was based on the Scripture Phil. 4:19  God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  How faithful and loving is our God?  He ministers to us right where we are, wrapping us in His love and kindness.

Amidst all the anguish and the sorrow, the confusion and feelings of drowning in a sea of busyness and responsibility, God is there.  He hasn't let go.  He hasn't moved on to someone else.  He never does.  And I am comforted and grateful.

And just when I think I have reached the end of this entry (sorry, I know it is a little lengthy!), He brings one more thing to my attention, the Scripture verse that was the basis for the In Touch calendar saying which I didn't notice until just now.
1 Chronicles 16:9  The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

All I can say is thank You.  My feelings may not change, I may still struggle, but I can rest in Him and know that Jesus is holding on to me and I will be okay.  I love You Lord.