Letting go of my boat. The boat that I built. The boat I feel is perfectly logical and correct and safe. Wow. Is that just the hardest hardest hardest thing to do. My feet are firmly planted in this boat, my hands gripping the sides, white knuckled clenching. ITS MY BOAT!! ITS RIGHT!!
So how do I give it up? How do I let go of the boat and walk on those troubling seas to follow Jesus? Obedience. That is the answer I got as I sat in my car at lunch (yes, yet another session of my lamenting on how I failed so miserably that night at work). I get annoyed...."Why did they leave that mail on the floor? Don't they have any consideration. I've asked them a million times not to do that !!! This is so unfair!! You can bet I'm not picking it up!!" On and on it goes, and goes to anyone who will listen. Gripe, complain, justify......blah blah blah. So there I sat, once again, asking God why can't I just let this stuff go, get out of my safe (seemingly) boat and follow You?
Let's think about this a minute. I'm in this boat, right. If this boat of mine is built out of pride and my sense of fairness and entitlement (and yes that is what it is), then of course I am going to see things as offense. That causes my insides to start boiling up, turmoil spinning around in my heart, aggravation, anger and resentment rising up in my emotions. Is this really the safe haven I thought the boat should be?
So, how do I escape this boat? That is what I asked the Lord as I sat there crying out once again for deliverance from myself. And I heard that still, small voice. "Obedience. Pick up the boxes on the floor." That's how it starts. Small steps of obedience. Do what you think is not fair, not your job, fix someone else's mess. UGH!! NOT what I wanted to hear. It's like God just plopped Himself down in my truck and told me to jump off the Empire State Building. That's about as logical and simple as this request of obedience was to me. But what was the line in the book by Ted Dekker...."Keep your eyes on me. Don't look at the water. Can you do that?" Do it for God. Keep my eyes focused on that. And you know what. It wasn't that hard to do after that. And after I picked those boxes up (and the good Lord actually sent someone to help me do it!!) I felt so much at peace. WOW, what a concept. Obedience brings peace. LOL
So that was my God visit. Obedience. Letting go of my way of thinking. I told you this was going to be a shift in my life and I also mentioned it was going to take a long time (as things always do for this glacial speed learner). But I did get it that night. I am hoping to carry it through to more nights. More days. A work in progress as they say!! Pray for me please!!!
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